Trauma-based imposter syndrome.

I have e always found it very interesting the effect Imposter syndrome has on me.

I have never done anything which would be considered wrong but yet I constantly jump to the worry of being a fraud and being found out. Found out for doing what you may be asking yourself

well, I ask myself the same question each time and come up with nothing as the reality is I have done nothing that would even slightly hint at being fraudulent or fake.

I am good at what I do I know this by how successful I am in all the cases that I do yet every time something positive comes out my brain says don’t worry you will soon be found out. Found out for what?!! Nothing as you did nothing wrong.

Sometimes is like am living someone else life in the skin and have another version of life that my brain fabricates and believes.

I find it exhausting like I constantly need to keep proving to myself that it was me that has done all the positive things and not a clone or imaginary person.

What I come to have notice is how trauma-based my imposter syndrome is. There's a certain situation that will get mentioned and once it is all the work, I have achieved to shut down the imposter syndrome is gone in one big swoop.

I have never seen myself as a professional person or one who knows a lot but, I am a professional person, I do know my stuff and I work in an ever-evolving world where I will continue to develop my knowledge along with legislation and case law changes.

I often wonder if this will change but I doubt it will It is part of who I am along with the positive characteristics that come along with being who I am the negative characteristics do too. Will I ever be able to positively accept that I am a professional yes, it means that am doing this work, not the work fairies. Probably not but you know what that’s not likely to stop my fighting it to carry on daily either.

I do however and will continue to have days like today where I am exhausted fighting this side of myself, and it feels not okay. But you know what that’s ok too. Bad days are okay. Days to rest and just are ok and it's also ok to not be fully happy with every single characteristic you have.