When your imposter becomes bigger.

I find it really interesting how it all works out in my head. I have times like currently that things are going on in my life that make me feel an even bigger imposter than normal. We go through processes that look at our lives. A lot of the time these processes don’t look at the reality of life for families like are and the lack of experience in particular around Neurodivergent. For me this was what gave my imposter the ability to grow.

We as a family have experienced some awful accusations simply because of the lack of understanding of ND and how different as families we are.

The points that stick out the most for me at this point in time is a group of adults documenting that a 5-year-old child who was having significant difficulties due to the lack of understanding around his SEN reporting that he was very naughty and manipulative and the fact that I have a Autism diagnosis I was unable to handle this. This was and is often the reality of PDA and the lack of understanding in the system on how PDA presents.

For me now having to look back at this time in our life so then the people that do understand and get it and are basically trying to correct the wrongs makes my imposter grow someone what. We have amazing people around us and I know in my head they know and see but my brain still believes that once this assessment stage is over that I will be found out for being fake and stupid. Our brains are so complex in themselves with many levels to them. Often we are selves struggle. I know deep down I am not fake.

What I have learnt is that the imposter is the trauma. The imposter is the one that will be found out and demasked and makes my brain believe that its me and that I will be found out when really it does this to hide itself and protect itself from being found out. I don’t feel I will ever fully demask and out the imposter and process the trauma around it, I know theres times like now when we deal with situations that the imposter will grow not because I am rubbish and not capable but to protect itself from being removed completely from them complex areas of my brain where its hiding.